I Learn New Descriptions Of Fat People Every Day!

I think this guy was trying to be funny...It was an EPIC FAIL!

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hey there ... im a country boy ... been called a red neck more than once ... i drink ... i smoke (cigs) ... occasionally dip ... been told im a bad boy so if that scares ya, sorry ... i like to have fun, most people do ... im not much into bar hoppin ... lookin for some 1 that gets me and dont judge ... i work hard, make decent money ... and no i dont want a gold digger had plenty of those ... i just want a woman that will stand beside me and always have my back ... even if i need bail money lmao ... promiss i will pay it back when i get out im good 4 it lmfao ... is there any 1 in the cincinnati area?? everytime i click a profile it sends me to cleveland wth?? i aint drivin 4 hours lol ... im so tired of looking .. if you like what you see drop me a line, if not oh well......... no fat chicks dont waste our time ..... im not a chubby chaser, dont want a woman whos but looks like a pillow case full of door knobs .... im usually relly drunk, i like to drink, right woman may fix it, im sure it will.. otherwise im a drunk fool that will make ya laughf ... i would rather look for love than cheap sex..... can we have a pillow fight club? can i record it? sell it? you will get yer part of it... only hot girls otherwise we will make no money, nekkid hotties and pilllow fighting ..... bet we could get $30 a view X how many? take yer nekkid pics, make a new mag .. whos in? make us money .. no sex unless ya talk me into makin porn ... just get the money

Definitely The BEST Profile I've Ever Read!

The following profile was written by a 38 year old surgeon, who describes himself as athletic, and claims that I owed it to myself to read his profile.


I have never laughed so hard in my entire life!


Enjoy...


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Basically, I am God's gift to woman. Unfortunately I didn't realize God had a return department and now find myself in the Clearance Section labeled last year’s gifts. (In other words I’m divorced, but it was all her fault) Women say they don't want a man who has to plan everything. They'll love me, I have no plans. Like everyone else I love candlelight dinners too, but for different reasons. Frankly, I look better in the dark. Also I don’t have to cancel my dates every time they turn off my electric. It does makes it tough to heat up hamburger helper though, so I am looking for a woman with a sterno grill (I don't know why they call it hamburger helper, it's just fine all by itself). I like the finer things in life. I was the first in the park with those chrome spinners on the mobile home, but found they don't spin unless you're moving. That’s ok, I move a lot.. That d*mn bounty hunter keeps finding me. I enjoy jet skiing, snow skiing, traveling, softball, volleyball and strip solitaire poker. I've read over 100 self help books. Got my money back for everyone of them. I have the energy of a child, the valor of a knight (and that’s without my white shining armor) the heart of a woman, and logic of a man. Phone conversation is a good start..., it's ok.., and it’s only a mild form of human contact. You really can't die from it. And don't worry about me stalking you, I'll leave that to your next-door neighbor, he's very strange. I should know what I want in a woman since I used to be one. 
My plants but they are not doing well, maybe cause they shut the water off on me last week. Don't get me wrong I am responsible. I'm still able to bathe,- the neighbors have a nice pool and they leave every day at 9am which means I could meet you for coffee by 10 depending on how the buses are running. Oh, if we do go out at night, my moped has a flat right now. I have another cycle, but only at certain times.

Baby. Momma. Drama.

I have been chatting with a man from an online dating site for close to 2 weeks. He seems like a very nice man, and we have a lot in common. We have had some great conversations about our lives up to this point, and what we want in the future. He is very involved with his 2 young children, and has a decent job.

So of coarse, as with most things in life...if it seems too good to be true, it probably is....

I was chatting with him on an instant messenger today, and the following conversation took place:

HIM: Morning sunshine!
ME: Hey there!
HIM: How's your morning going?
ME: UGH! Migraine! I've been in bed since I took the kids to school. How's your day been?
HIM: Guess who just showed up here?? UGH!!!
ME: Who??

There was a long pause, and then the following:

HIM: Oops! He failed to mention that he kissed me and was happy to see me :-) Good luck with him!
ME: (I did not respond)
HIM: If you can take the lies, drugs, no money, no car, losing jobs, honey he's all yours! You can take care of the 38 year old child. Stay away from my kids and you won't have any problem from me :-)
ME: (Again, I did not respond)

I was speechless. I could not believe this woman more or less threatened me. I do not understand women who talk about what a horrible person their ex is, especially when it comes to drug use, but yet they still allow their children to be around them. It sounds to me like I should be the least of her worries!

Not that she will have to worry about me...I am definitely marking him off my list of prospects!

Beauty Is In the Eye Of The Beholder, As Long As She's Skinny

Every once in a while I run across a profile that I can not help but give the guy a piece of my mind. This is one of them:

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This is the fourth time I have posted a profile here. Four times I thought I had found someone and four times I was wrong, Ha ha. I'm not giving up (I guess it's that darn optimistic streak that I have.)

Just looking for someone that isn't narrow minded or shallow, someone with interests other than sports or television shows (I stopped watching tv years ago), someone who has intelligence but not worried about what society says they should be/do. I am partial to smaller sized women (No offence) but if I cant bench press you then I probably won't be physically attracted to you. I don't have a preference on looks as long as your height/weight proportionate. I mean seriously, I don't want to have to help you up the trail when were out hiking. I'm sorry if that sounds superficial but we all have certain types that we are drawn too and I am just being honest.

When I was younger I was in an open relationship for a few years. Some women can't understand how I could love someone in that situation. That turned out to be the longest and best relationship that I ever had. She was the mother of my only son (he's now 19). She died in 2008. Just to clarify, the "Open relationship" stage only lasted a few years (out of a nearly 20 year relationship)

After my spouse died I moved into my family's home along with my youngest brother. Some people have a problem with that but in this economy a $700/month mortgage is easier split 3 ways. I love my family and family is the most important thing period! I have worked at the same company for 7 years and I own my own vehicle (2 in fact plus the one that I'm paying for that my son drives)

Hopefully this gives you a little idea of what I'm about

I hope today is good, tomorrow is better and something wonderful happens for you!
Namaste 

MY EMAIL TO HIM, WHICH I ENTITLED 'HYPOCRITE'

Your profile says, "Just looking for someone that isn't narrow minded or shallow, someone with interests other than sports or television shows (I stopped watching tv years ago), someone who has intelligence but not worried about what society says they should be/do." Then in the next sentence you discuss how you don't want to date anyone who isn't height/weight proportionate. You don't want someone who is superficial, yet YOU are superficial! You are far from perfect and should not base attraction on a woman's body size alone...lucky for you not all women base attraction on the man having all his OWN teeth!

HIS RESPONSE:

Wow, such hostility. I don't claim to be perfect, I just know what I find attractive. A lot of women do the same thing with age or income or weight. (I only know this from experience). You could be the sweetest, kindest person in the world but you can't make someone be Physically attracted to you. Just to be fair, I have gone out with women that weren't physically capable of keeping up with some of the activities that I like to do. I'm not looking for a woman that bases attraction on a man having all his own teeth (That would be superficial)

I didn't expect such a response but thank you for responding. Hopefully your having better luck on here than I have been getting. (I met four ladies so far and none of them worked out)

Namaste

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Genuine? I Seriously Doubt That!

I'm willing to bet that he clicks 'copy and paste' and sends this same email to every girl he talks to. In fact I know he does because he sent the exact same email to one of my coworkers!

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I'm Indian, Haitian, Puerto Rican, German and Liberian. I'm a genuine man needing 1 unique woman! I'm wondering why me, and especially you are here still single and we haven't met each other yet! So where do we start?:) I like your look and your style so no explanation is needed! I wouldn't care about not having sex on the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date. I'm just looking for ONE nice, REAL woman that knows what true friendship, and a long term relationship is all about. I want a companion and a best friend! We can go places, or go for a simple walk holding hands in the park. One thing about me i do respect a womans feelings, and your heart i will protect. I don't do much but sale cars and relax at home while watching tv and cooking. I like cooking a lot and will cook you anything you want. If i don't know how i will find out how. Never been married and never have smoked a cigarette. I drink every blue moon. I still have a few goals which i'm trying to meet. Maybe we can both get together and help motivate each other to meet these goals;) I want to know if you'll just give me one chance to show you i'm not like the rest! I can promise and guarantee you that i will not be a waste of your time. I don't have any drama in my life at all accept for you if you let me into your theater! This is coming from the heart so i really hope you will consider;)

And here is his profile:

I'm kinda puzzled by some of these women on here. They say they want a real man but then they continue to pick up boys, then end up right back on here sad, moping around and searching for another! I don't even care about the sex b/c you women have to earn that €:-()@. I want to get to know the woman, i want to know how their mind processes certain things. Yea this gentleman asks can you women quit being scared and intimidated by me:) I am a full time parent with full custody of 3 little men ages 8, 9 and 11. I have never been married. I need a companion and a best friend for life. Friends first, and then we will see what happens as time progresses. If i am dating you it will only be you unless we stop talking, or decide we are not meant for each other. If your wondering why my hair color is a platinum silverish color, it's my birthmark. I was born with it so i'm very genuine;) 

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My First 'Date'

I love the anticipation of a first date!

It gives me an excuse to go buy an cute new outfit, get my nails manicured and my toes pedicured :-) I spend a couple hours getting ready...showering with yummy smelling shower gel, making sure my skin is soft with matching yummy smelling lotion, misting on a little bit of sparkly body powder from my atomizer, spritzing my body with more matching yummy smelling perfume, and artfully applying my make-up to make my eyes.

I love the way spending this extra time on myself makes me feel.

Sometimes though, I wonder if it's worth all the trouble!

Over the years I have had my share of first, and sometimes even second dates. Each one has been very, well let's just use the word 'interesting' for lack of something more colorful. I am going to share some of my more interesting dates on this blog, starting with some oldies but I sure wouldn't call them goodies!

The Tale of the Tree Man
Ahhhh, the tree man! The tree man was one of the very first men I met on the internet about 9 years ago. I chatted online with him one night for about 4 hours. He seemed like a very nice guy. He was raising his 2 daughters on his own and owned a tree trimming business which I didn't know at the time meant he owned a chainsaw and a truck, therefor he was a self proclaimed tree trimming business owner. After our hours of chatting we decided a meeting was in order. We agreed to meet in the parking lot of our local mall and decide where to go from there.

I will admit I was very naive back then, but not so naive that I didn't have my escape plan in place. I did not have a cell phone, but I did have a pager. I lived just a few minutes from the mall, so I called a friend as I was leaving and asked her to send me a page in about 15 minutes.

Thank God for friends!

When I pulled into the mall I spotted him right away. He was standing next to his beat up old looking like it would break down or fall apart any second tree truck. I could tell from a distance that he was much older than the 39 years he claimed to be. I pulled up next to him and prayed my friend would page me soon introduced myself. He flashed me a giant smile as he introduced himself to me.

A giant TOOTHLESS smile. I know I discussed with him during our 4 hour conversation that I didn't date guys with out teeth.

I also noticed 3 or 4 small white things on his face. It took me a second to realize what it was. He must have nicked himself shaving and used pieces of toilet paper to stop the bleeding...which he forgot to remove before leaving the house.

I swear, I'm not shallow! Even though I am *ahem* perfect, I am comfortable dating a man with flaws...as long as he has all his TEETH...I don't even care if they are fake teeth, I just don't want to see holes in his mouth when he smiles.

We made a little bit of small talk, then THANK GOD! low and behold, I got an emergency page. I apologized profusely, and he said, "That's ok, I know I like what I see so we can hook up again. Yep, I like what I see!"

GAG, PUKE, VOMIT, CHOKE

"It was very nice to meet you too. I'll get a hold of you later on..."

NOT!

What would we do with out our friends?

If You Can Throw A Pot On The Stove He's All Yours!

I have received a variety of emails from men on the dating site I recently joined. Some of these emails are very sweet, while others...not so much.

This is one of the more awesome emails I received today, followed by the sender's profile and my response:

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 u seem like a nice woman mayb we shood talk
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Ralph sbm 5'10" 250lbs job, car and wait for it......... NOT staying in his mom's basement seeking a smart, independent,romantic and a affectionate WOMAN. looking for a WOMAN who can put a pot on the stove,keep a clean house, take of those kids if u got'em.take care of herself,dress well, smells good and wait again..... can rock sum hi heels please. that is so sexy. i like all sports, movies, reading ,whatever. let's do this. i get bored real easy so let's make it happen

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This was my response:

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Dear Ralph,

Thank you for your email.

 Unfortunately, I do not think we would be a compatible match. While I do take care of myself and my kids, and I am also smart, independent, romantic, affectionate, well dressed and...wait for it...smell good, I don't think we would be a match for the following reasons:

I HATE cooking with a passion, my house is often in a state of disarray, and I have bunions which make rockin' some high heals out of the question. 

Good luck with your search; I'm sure you will find someone to make it happen for you!

Sincerely, 

Hazel

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Carrie Underwood has NOTHING on ~The1~

So as I mentioned in an early post, my birthday was July 4th.

Last year, my birthday was the beginning of the end of my relationship with ~The1~. TheBeast had committed to play in a softball tournament an hour from where we live. This tournament just happened to be a few miles from where ~The1~ lives. ~The1~ had made plans for my birthday, but he didn't tell me what we were doing. I called him the night of the 3rd and explained to him that I was not comfortable leaving TheBeast at the ballpark with people I didn't know. He said he understood, but then started acting very stand-offish.

The story is very long and drawn out after this. I can summarize it by saying that he was upset that I chose TheBeast over him.

I actually have a reason for this post!

~The1~ sent me this card for my birthday:

 Notice anything missing?

Seriously? We dated for over a year, have know each other for 2 years, and he doesn't even know my last name!

All I can say is "WoW!"

Just Exactly What Does A Shed With Legs Look Like?

The online dating site I use has this nifty little tab I can click on to see the guys the site thinks I would most likely be a match with. 


I beg to differ...


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im divorced,looking for a decent woman,who ain't a tramp.i like kids but not a bunch of them,also like chicks who don't look like a shed with leggs.i build tools at honda,it's a living.im into my mustang and restoring my vette,it's bad ass!i have the coolest bassett hound,she's really nice and likes everyone,unlike my 10 yr old schnauzer who is a real **** and only likes me.
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I don't think I'll be planning the wedding any time soon...

Marlon Brando Might Sue Him For Slander

I found this weirdo's man's profile while searching an online dating site. He has his profile listed under "seeking intimate encounter", which means he is looking for a hook up. I'm obviously not going to be posting the pictures of the weirdo's men I'm picking on for the sake of my blog, but trust me when I say this man made me want to stab myself in the eyeball with an ice pick is far from handsome. I wonder what mirror he uses?
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HI I AM A HANDSOME MAN. MANY PEOPLE THINK I LOOK LIKE A YOUNG MARLON BRANDO. My PARENTS WERE BOTH VERY GOOD LOOKING. I AM THEIR BEST PRODUCT. I AM A UNIVERSITY GRADUATE WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN MULTIDISCIPLINARY PROFFESSIONAL ENGINEERING. I OWN MY OWN HOME FROM WHICH I CONDUCT A SMALL BUT GROWING CONSULTING ENGINEERING BUSINESS. I AM 6FT. 1IN. TALL. AND I WEIGH ABOUT 302LBS. i HAVE AUBURN HAIR AND BROWN EYES.
THE YOUNG LADY WHOM I SEEK WILL SIMPLY BE BEAUTIFUL IN EVERY WAY! IF YOU MATCH THIS DESCRIPTION, GIVE ME A RING!

UPON MEETING MY DATE I SHALL KISS HER A THE CHEEK! I'LL SHOWER HER WITH SEVERAL GIFTS! I'LL SPEND FIFTY DOLLARS ON OUR MEAL! THEN I'LL TAKE HER HOME. IF SHE WANTS MY HOME OR HERS IT DOESN'T MATTER! I HAVE NO REQUIREMENT FOR SEX (UNLESS OF COURSE, SHE REQUIRES IT!)
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Excuse me while I go vomit...

I'm the Sweetest Girl You'll Ever Meet!

One of the things I want to do on this blog is share some of the ridiculous more interesting profiles I have run across in my search of internet dating sites. I think it's only fair to start with my own profile first:


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"I'm The Sweetest Girl You'll Ever Meet"

"How could one person make you feel like you're not important? How can that same person mean the world to you?" If this quote makes you shiver because you know exactly how it feels to be in this kind of relationship, I can relate. 

I am independent, educated, and hard working. I am comfortable in my own skin. I can get along with just about anyone. I have been a hair designer for 20 years, and I just graduated with my associates degree in social work. I am furthering my education in addictions studies, and I am also interested in studying domestic abuse prevention.

I am a very girly-girl! I love to sport funky hair and jewelry. I love to spend the afternoon with my girls getting pedicures. I collect eyeshadow like it's going out of style. I always dress nice; it's one thing to be fat, but it's another to be a fat slob!

I prefer that guy who is a little rough around the edges...but not so rough that he has to check in with a probation/parole officer! I like my guy in jeans and t-shirts. Teeth are a must ;-)
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I think my profile is a pretty good representation of the type of person I am...but I leave enough out to make them want to know more about me. Notice how everything is spelled correctly, and my punctuation is not completely out of place. I wish I could say the same thing about most of the profiles I come across on the internet!

My Past...The Old Ghosts that Sometimes Haunt Me

I met WildChild, Bossy, and TheBeast's dad when I was 17 years old...he was the friend of my best friend's boyfriend. We were together for 11 years...11 very rocky years...very abusive years. When I finally made a run for it, I was left with emotional scars that I didn't realize I had. I had never had much self esteem, and in those 11 years what little bit I had was gone.

Enter Mr.OCD and Belle's dad...

He made me feel pretty, made me feel special. I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. It wasn't long before I noticed my abusive history repeating itself. I didn't have the self love needed to end the relationship as soon as I noticed the warning signs. In fact, I was beginning to believe I was the problem.

When I started pursuing my degree in social work I was able to recognize that my relationship wasn't healthy, and that I was not the problem. School was like therapy for me. I was able to end another unhealthy relationship, but this time I did it because I loved myself, not because I feared for my safety. 

The abuse my children and I were subjected to, and the affects it had on our lives, has impacted the people we are today. We have chosen not to dwell on our past, but to put it in a better place so that we can move on with our lives and be happy.

I was single for a little while, and I decided to check out the whole online dating scene. It wasn't long before I was contacted by ~The1~.

~The1~ was the most wonderful man I had ever talked to. He thought I was beautiful and smart and funny. We started chatting online, and then graduated to text messaging...for 3 solid months we communicated this way, neither one of us having the nerve to call the other. Finally, in June of 2008, ~The1~ asked me out on a date. We met on July 6, 2008; 2 days after my birthday and the day before his. It was love at first sight! The waitress had to come to our table 4 times to get our order before we peeled our gaze from each other long enough to look at the menu.

That date lasted 5 hours. We ate, we talked, we went to a beautiful park, we talked some more. I left that date on cloud 9 and nothing was going to bring me down...not even coming home to find Mr.OCD and Belle's dad in my driveway.

The next year was amazing. I had never been so happy in my entire life! My kids absolutely loved ~The1~! We spent many weekends together, my kids and his, going to King's Island, Red's baseball games, parks, swimming pools, festivals, and so on.

Until my world came crashing down on July 4, 2009; my 37th birthday.

To be continued...

Cast of Characters

The cast of characters for this blog will consist of me, my children, and other major players in our lives.

And we all have super cool code names!

Hazel: That's Me! Mom of 5, soon to be grandma, hair designer with a degree in social work.
WildChild: My almost 20 years old son who is about to make me a grandma at a very young age and just finished school to become a fire fighter, but works in a fast food restaurant.
Bossy: My 18 year old daughter who is obsessed with shoes and wants to be a pastry chef.
TheBeast: My almost 14 year old daughter who is a beast on the softball field, and often referred to as 'my twin'
Mr.OCD: My 7 year old son who is the sweetest child alive, but won't kiss anyone because he doesn't like germs.
Belle: My 6 year old baby girl who is so crazy she keeps the whole family laughing.
BabyMomma: The soon to be mother of my soon to be grand-baby, and girlfriend of WildChild.
Bossy'sMan: Bossy's awesome boyfriend who lives with us and runs my errands and cleans my house and also just finished school to become a fire fighter.
~The1~: The man who broke our hearts, and who I end up comparing every other man to.

Why Am I Doing This?

Yesterday was my 38th birthday. That's right; I'm a firecracker!

Yesterday also marked the one year anniversary of the day the love of my life ~The1~ (not his real name, obviously) broke up with me.

We had been together for almost a year and a half, and I was more in love with this man that I had ever been in love with any man in my entire life. He was the one I wanted to 'put a ring on it'.

You see, I have never been married. It's not that I haven't been asked...I just haven't been asked by the right man. Being single has never bothered me before, but for some reason I have begun to feel the need, an urgency almost, to find a husband.

Did I mention that I have 5 kids?

Yes, 5 kids. I have raised these kids with out the help of their fathers (the oldest 3 have a different father than the youngest 2). From oldest to youngest they are: 19, 18, 13, 7 and 6.

So not only do I want to find a husband, I also want to find a suitable father figure for my children. My oldest son doesn't live at home anymore; he is shacked up with his pregnant girlfriend and her mom.

Did I mention that I'm going to be a grandma next month?

Where was I? That's right, my kids...my oldest son couldn't care less who I date or if I date. My oldest daughter wants me to date, but she also loves to give me her opinion of who I date. My middle daughter is all for me dating, as long as I don't expect her to babysit her little brother and sister while I go on said dates. As for my youngest 2...they were very attached to ~The1~ and had a hard time dealing with the break up. The only thing they have ever said about me dating is, "Mommy, can you find a boyfriend that has a swimming pool?"

My kids have standards you know.

I decided to start this blog because honestly, my experiences are too funny not to share...

These are my stories...