I Learn New Descriptions Of Fat People Every Day!

I think this guy was trying to be funny...It was an EPIC FAIL!

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hey there ... im a country boy ... been called a red neck more than once ... i drink ... i smoke (cigs) ... occasionally dip ... been told im a bad boy so if that scares ya, sorry ... i like to have fun, most people do ... im not much into bar hoppin ... lookin for some 1 that gets me and dont judge ... i work hard, make decent money ... and no i dont want a gold digger had plenty of those ... i just want a woman that will stand beside me and always have my back ... even if i need bail money lmao ... promiss i will pay it back when i get out im good 4 it lmfao ... is there any 1 in the cincinnati area?? everytime i click a profile it sends me to cleveland wth?? i aint drivin 4 hours lol ... im so tired of looking .. if you like what you see drop me a line, if not oh well......... no fat chicks dont waste our time ..... im not a chubby chaser, dont want a woman whos but looks like a pillow case full of door knobs .... im usually relly drunk, i like to drink, right woman may fix it, im sure it will.. otherwise im a drunk fool that will make ya laughf ... i would rather look for love than cheap sex..... can we have a pillow fight club? can i record it? sell it? you will get yer part of it... only hot girls otherwise we will make no money, nekkid hotties and pilllow fighting ..... bet we could get $30 a view X how many? take yer nekkid pics, make a new mag .. whos in? make us money .. no sex unless ya talk me into makin porn ... just get the money

Definitely The BEST Profile I've Ever Read!

The following profile was written by a 38 year old surgeon, who describes himself as athletic, and claims that I owed it to myself to read his profile.


I have never laughed so hard in my entire life!


Enjoy...


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Basically, I am God's gift to woman. Unfortunately I didn't realize God had a return department and now find myself in the Clearance Section labeled last year’s gifts. (In other words I’m divorced, but it was all her fault) Women say they don't want a man who has to plan everything. They'll love me, I have no plans. Like everyone else I love candlelight dinners too, but for different reasons. Frankly, I look better in the dark. Also I don’t have to cancel my dates every time they turn off my electric. It does makes it tough to heat up hamburger helper though, so I am looking for a woman with a sterno grill (I don't know why they call it hamburger helper, it's just fine all by itself). I like the finer things in life. I was the first in the park with those chrome spinners on the mobile home, but found they don't spin unless you're moving. That’s ok, I move a lot.. That d*mn bounty hunter keeps finding me. I enjoy jet skiing, snow skiing, traveling, softball, volleyball and strip solitaire poker. I've read over 100 self help books. Got my money back for everyone of them. I have the energy of a child, the valor of a knight (and that’s without my white shining armor) the heart of a woman, and logic of a man. Phone conversation is a good start..., it's ok.., and it’s only a mild form of human contact. You really can't die from it. And don't worry about me stalking you, I'll leave that to your next-door neighbor, he's very strange. I should know what I want in a woman since I used to be one. 
My plants but they are not doing well, maybe cause they shut the water off on me last week. Don't get me wrong I am responsible. I'm still able to bathe,- the neighbors have a nice pool and they leave every day at 9am which means I could meet you for coffee by 10 depending on how the buses are running. Oh, if we do go out at night, my moped has a flat right now. I have another cycle, but only at certain times.

Baby. Momma. Drama.

I have been chatting with a man from an online dating site for close to 2 weeks. He seems like a very nice man, and we have a lot in common. We have had some great conversations about our lives up to this point, and what we want in the future. He is very involved with his 2 young children, and has a decent job.

So of coarse, as with most things in life...if it seems too good to be true, it probably is....

I was chatting with him on an instant messenger today, and the following conversation took place:

HIM: Morning sunshine!
ME: Hey there!
HIM: How's your morning going?
ME: UGH! Migraine! I've been in bed since I took the kids to school. How's your day been?
HIM: Guess who just showed up here?? UGH!!!
ME: Who??

There was a long pause, and then the following:

HIM: Oops! He failed to mention that he kissed me and was happy to see me :-) Good luck with him!
ME: (I did not respond)
HIM: If you can take the lies, drugs, no money, no car, losing jobs, honey he's all yours! You can take care of the 38 year old child. Stay away from my kids and you won't have any problem from me :-)
ME: (Again, I did not respond)

I was speechless. I could not believe this woman more or less threatened me. I do not understand women who talk about what a horrible person their ex is, especially when it comes to drug use, but yet they still allow their children to be around them. It sounds to me like I should be the least of her worries!

Not that she will have to worry about me...I am definitely marking him off my list of prospects!

Beauty Is In the Eye Of The Beholder, As Long As She's Skinny

Every once in a while I run across a profile that I can not help but give the guy a piece of my mind. This is one of them:

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This is the fourth time I have posted a profile here. Four times I thought I had found someone and four times I was wrong, Ha ha. I'm not giving up (I guess it's that darn optimistic streak that I have.)

Just looking for someone that isn't narrow minded or shallow, someone with interests other than sports or television shows (I stopped watching tv years ago), someone who has intelligence but not worried about what society says they should be/do. I am partial to smaller sized women (No offence) but if I cant bench press you then I probably won't be physically attracted to you. I don't have a preference on looks as long as your height/weight proportionate. I mean seriously, I don't want to have to help you up the trail when were out hiking. I'm sorry if that sounds superficial but we all have certain types that we are drawn too and I am just being honest.

When I was younger I was in an open relationship for a few years. Some women can't understand how I could love someone in that situation. That turned out to be the longest and best relationship that I ever had. She was the mother of my only son (he's now 19). She died in 2008. Just to clarify, the "Open relationship" stage only lasted a few years (out of a nearly 20 year relationship)

After my spouse died I moved into my family's home along with my youngest brother. Some people have a problem with that but in this economy a $700/month mortgage is easier split 3 ways. I love my family and family is the most important thing period! I have worked at the same company for 7 years and I own my own vehicle (2 in fact plus the one that I'm paying for that my son drives)

Hopefully this gives you a little idea of what I'm about

I hope today is good, tomorrow is better and something wonderful happens for you!
Namaste 

MY EMAIL TO HIM, WHICH I ENTITLED 'HYPOCRITE'

Your profile says, "Just looking for someone that isn't narrow minded or shallow, someone with interests other than sports or television shows (I stopped watching tv years ago), someone who has intelligence but not worried about what society says they should be/do." Then in the next sentence you discuss how you don't want to date anyone who isn't height/weight proportionate. You don't want someone who is superficial, yet YOU are superficial! You are far from perfect and should not base attraction on a woman's body size alone...lucky for you not all women base attraction on the man having all his OWN teeth!

HIS RESPONSE:

Wow, such hostility. I don't claim to be perfect, I just know what I find attractive. A lot of women do the same thing with age or income or weight. (I only know this from experience). You could be the sweetest, kindest person in the world but you can't make someone be Physically attracted to you. Just to be fair, I have gone out with women that weren't physically capable of keeping up with some of the activities that I like to do. I'm not looking for a woman that bases attraction on a man having all his own teeth (That would be superficial)

I didn't expect such a response but thank you for responding. Hopefully your having better luck on here than I have been getting. (I met four ladies so far and none of them worked out)

Namaste

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Genuine? I Seriously Doubt That!

I'm willing to bet that he clicks 'copy and paste' and sends this same email to every girl he talks to. In fact I know he does because he sent the exact same email to one of my coworkers!

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I'm Indian, Haitian, Puerto Rican, German and Liberian. I'm a genuine man needing 1 unique woman! I'm wondering why me, and especially you are here still single and we haven't met each other yet! So where do we start?:) I like your look and your style so no explanation is needed! I wouldn't care about not having sex on the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date. I'm just looking for ONE nice, REAL woman that knows what true friendship, and a long term relationship is all about. I want a companion and a best friend! We can go places, or go for a simple walk holding hands in the park. One thing about me i do respect a womans feelings, and your heart i will protect. I don't do much but sale cars and relax at home while watching tv and cooking. I like cooking a lot and will cook you anything you want. If i don't know how i will find out how. Never been married and never have smoked a cigarette. I drink every blue moon. I still have a few goals which i'm trying to meet. Maybe we can both get together and help motivate each other to meet these goals;) I want to know if you'll just give me one chance to show you i'm not like the rest! I can promise and guarantee you that i will not be a waste of your time. I don't have any drama in my life at all accept for you if you let me into your theater! This is coming from the heart so i really hope you will consider;)

And here is his profile:

I'm kinda puzzled by some of these women on here. They say they want a real man but then they continue to pick up boys, then end up right back on here sad, moping around and searching for another! I don't even care about the sex b/c you women have to earn that €:-()@. I want to get to know the woman, i want to know how their mind processes certain things. Yea this gentleman asks can you women quit being scared and intimidated by me:) I am a full time parent with full custody of 3 little men ages 8, 9 and 11. I have never been married. I need a companion and a best friend for life. Friends first, and then we will see what happens as time progresses. If i am dating you it will only be you unless we stop talking, or decide we are not meant for each other. If your wondering why my hair color is a platinum silverish color, it's my birthmark. I was born with it so i'm very genuine;) 

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My First 'Date'

I love the anticipation of a first date!

It gives me an excuse to go buy an cute new outfit, get my nails manicured and my toes pedicured :-) I spend a couple hours getting ready...showering with yummy smelling shower gel, making sure my skin is soft with matching yummy smelling lotion, misting on a little bit of sparkly body powder from my atomizer, spritzing my body with more matching yummy smelling perfume, and artfully applying my make-up to make my eyes.

I love the way spending this extra time on myself makes me feel.

Sometimes though, I wonder if it's worth all the trouble!

Over the years I have had my share of first, and sometimes even second dates. Each one has been very, well let's just use the word 'interesting' for lack of something more colorful. I am going to share some of my more interesting dates on this blog, starting with some oldies but I sure wouldn't call them goodies!

The Tale of the Tree Man
Ahhhh, the tree man! The tree man was one of the very first men I met on the internet about 9 years ago. I chatted online with him one night for about 4 hours. He seemed like a very nice guy. He was raising his 2 daughters on his own and owned a tree trimming business which I didn't know at the time meant he owned a chainsaw and a truck, therefor he was a self proclaimed tree trimming business owner. After our hours of chatting we decided a meeting was in order. We agreed to meet in the parking lot of our local mall and decide where to go from there.

I will admit I was very naive back then, but not so naive that I didn't have my escape plan in place. I did not have a cell phone, but I did have a pager. I lived just a few minutes from the mall, so I called a friend as I was leaving and asked her to send me a page in about 15 minutes.

Thank God for friends!

When I pulled into the mall I spotted him right away. He was standing next to his beat up old looking like it would break down or fall apart any second tree truck. I could tell from a distance that he was much older than the 39 years he claimed to be. I pulled up next to him and prayed my friend would page me soon introduced myself. He flashed me a giant smile as he introduced himself to me.

A giant TOOTHLESS smile. I know I discussed with him during our 4 hour conversation that I didn't date guys with out teeth.

I also noticed 3 or 4 small white things on his face. It took me a second to realize what it was. He must have nicked himself shaving and used pieces of toilet paper to stop the bleeding...which he forgot to remove before leaving the house.

I swear, I'm not shallow! Even though I am *ahem* perfect, I am comfortable dating a man with flaws...as long as he has all his TEETH...I don't even care if they are fake teeth, I just don't want to see holes in his mouth when he smiles.

We made a little bit of small talk, then THANK GOD! low and behold, I got an emergency page. I apologized profusely, and he said, "That's ok, I know I like what I see so we can hook up again. Yep, I like what I see!"

GAG, PUKE, VOMIT, CHOKE

"It was very nice to meet you too. I'll get a hold of you later on..."

NOT!

What would we do with out our friends?

If You Can Throw A Pot On The Stove He's All Yours!

I have received a variety of emails from men on the dating site I recently joined. Some of these emails are very sweet, while others...not so much.

This is one of the more awesome emails I received today, followed by the sender's profile and my response:

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 u seem like a nice woman mayb we shood talk
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Ralph sbm 5'10" 250lbs job, car and wait for it......... NOT staying in his mom's basement seeking a smart, independent,romantic and a affectionate WOMAN. looking for a WOMAN who can put a pot on the stove,keep a clean house, take of those kids if u got'em.take care of herself,dress well, smells good and wait again..... can rock sum hi heels please. that is so sexy. i like all sports, movies, reading ,whatever. let's do this. i get bored real easy so let's make it happen

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This was my response:

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Dear Ralph,

Thank you for your email.

 Unfortunately, I do not think we would be a compatible match. While I do take care of myself and my kids, and I am also smart, independent, romantic, affectionate, well dressed and...wait for it...smell good, I don't think we would be a match for the following reasons:

I HATE cooking with a passion, my house is often in a state of disarray, and I have bunions which make rockin' some high heals out of the question. 

Good luck with your search; I'm sure you will find someone to make it happen for you!

Sincerely, 

Hazel

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